I realize this morning how much my issues are about the shame I felt/feel about my childhood and thus my life. I learned to feel ashamed of just about everything about myself. Even the good parts. If I was good as a child, it did not matter, it was never good enough. Each time my mother was hospitalized I was shamed and ashamed on several levels. I thought I had done something wrong and that I had not been a good enough girl and each time I felt more and more ashamed for this.

To be a child and never know when you came home from school, who would be their. Will it be someone so paranoid that they wont let you out to play?
I tried to spend alot of time in my room, but that left my younger brothers to fend for themselves, and they never understood the ranting and raving at the radio and TV*

Having had a parent with bipolar1 which was not treated for a long time I have the sneaky suspition I have no chance at normalcy. I am an adult who has struggled at everything; including social skills, finishing college and fighting with depression and extremely low self esteem. Recently i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and since then I have been hospitalized twice. My mother is med compliant and is very stable, yet she has a cruel side which stayed with her.

Oh That Learned Helplessness.