'Running away from your past will only make it run after you and catch you whenever you are...'

'Paranoid... trying to control my every move'

Hi! I am a 21 years old woman from Portugal. I am really happy that I found your site. It has helped me a lot in my self healing process.

My mother has been mentally ill at least since she was 19 years old, and was hospitalized several times before I was born. When she was around 35 she retired due to mental incapacity to work. When she was 39 she decided to get pregnant, although she knew my father didn't want any children and he would never want me. When she got pregnant he left her and I was doomed to be raised by a woman who was not even fit to work... I am surprised that she managed to take care of me when I was a baby! She never was a real mother to me... She was delusional and paranoid. I think she has Paranoid Schizophrenia, but I'm not sure. When I was 6, I remember her asking me if I was being abused by men insistently every day, until I would just say "Do you want me to lie and say yes, so you'll shut up about it?". She was totally obsessed with me, trying to control my every move, and that of others around me. She was an embarrassment for me whenever she went go to the school meetings. I remember she was always shouting at me for no reason, hitting me just because she was nervous, making me cry... Then I would run to my dog and hold her, telling her my problems. That was all the emotional support I had: dog! When I was 7 I used to tell my mother that I didn