I feel angry and lost Print E-mail
Written by Administrator   

Feeling emotionally messed up
Abuse, Trust, Sisters Relationships

Well there isn‚t really a situation any more. I guess my little sister and I made it through a childhood of trauma and abuse but we are doing ok. We have a few underlying issues with relationships but we do our best to fit the profile the best we can. We no longer have our mentally ill violent manipulating mother in either of our lives anymore. We are better off for it let me tell you.

I actually released her grip from my life on my 30th birthday after she attacked me and I decided that was the turning point for me to never let another violent person into my life. My sister at the time wasn‚t talking to me but she was still talking to our mother. They seemed to have a relationship that i could never understand and i guess it sometimes made me think that i was the one with the issues and maybe i should try to get rid of the chip on my shoulder.

I just never trusted my mother. I believed that one night at my house she slept with my sisters boyfriend but i never had any proof so that theory stayed with me along with the guilt of wondering why i felt so strongly about something i never actually new was true or not. The fact that i thought my own mother could or would do something like that to my sister or her 4 grandchildren really made me wonder about myself and where these trust issues were coming from.

Just recently when my sister decided that 3 years was long enough to shut me out because of her own issues and we started to slowly try to build something we never really had before "a bond" then we found out through my sisters ex boyfriend that in fact my mum had not only slept with her boyfriend and the father of her children but had an affair that lasted 2.5 years.

Closure is kind of one word that describes it all BUT why does it all hurt so much still. I am happy that i have my sister back and my nieces and nephews I just don‚t have a lot of faith in relationships anymore. Why now after going through so much and now having everything that i want and nothing to worry about am i now ANGRY. After all these years i have been emotionally messed up but not angry but now i feel angry and lost. I guess being pregnant and that happening straight after finding out about my mother doesn‚t help.

I am interested to know more about you guys. It may be good for my sister and I to get to melbourne at some stage to join in and meet others from similar backgrounds. That may never happen but its just nice to know there are others like us. We are thinking of you all.

Yours sincerely



Jarvis Walker     Arlec

You can help NNAAMI by purchasing one of the products below:

© 2001 National Network of Adult and Adolescent Children who have a Mentally Ill Parent
Tax Deductable Reg Charity. Inc.Vic. AOO33733N ABN 41 286 047 141

N.B. All items on this site remain the property of NNAAMI. Permission is granted to duplicate and distribute any items on this site for school student purposes only provided you acknowledge the source. However, written permission is required for any reproduction or for reproduction in public forums / conferences presentations.


Contact Us


You can help NNAAMI by giving a dontation.


Featured Articles

The 'Forgotten People'

by Anna Malbon from the Progress Press October 22, 1996

WHEN nine-year-old "Tom" was asked to draw a picture of himself with his mother be drew her trying to strangle him.

Tom entered the world of adults too early. If he was ever immune to the complications and pain of life that adults try to shelter from children, he says he can't remember.

Bulletin Board

Crazy as a Fox

"I always feel unaccepted, never good enough or deserving of love, I have major trust issues"

"I always thought it was just me"

What a relief to read your stories! It's only since I've read them that I see what an impact living with my sick mother has had on every aspect of my life. She has never been diagnosed. "Crazy as a Fox" is a term made for her. She is brilliant and outsmarts every professional that may diagnose and help her. I think she has borderline personality disorder, narcissism, ocd and she is without a doubt a hoarder. I live in the US. Today I received a letter saying that Indian child welfare has received a report about my family. My mother has contacted them 12 times in the last 8 years. I have been investigated 5 times for my parenting choices and each time have been found a loving, competent mother. I filed a restraining order against her 2 years ago because she called the police demanding to see my children while they were in day care. She showed up at my daughter's school every day last week. I allow her limited visitation with my children because she talks badly about me to them and is inappropriate and basically crazy. She told my younger son that she would love him more but I won't let her. Other members of my family have told me for years to cut her her completely out of our lives. This past June I let her stay in my home the entire month because she had no where else to go and yet she's telling my daughter's teachers that I don't allow her to see her grandchildren. I just turned 40 and it should be obvious to me that she will never be a mother to me. In her eyes I'm not her daughter but her enemy. In my heart I want a mom! Someone who has my back no matter what, who will help me and support me and help me raise my kids. I too have issues that I think stem from a lifetime of living with a sick woman. It is almost impossible for me to say no. Although I have a fulfilling life with awesome support n beautiful children I always feel unaccepted, never good enough or deserving of love. I have major trust issues. I think it's time for me to cut her out of our lives before she breaks us. Good luck to you all and thank you for sharing your stories! I always thought it was just me