I often think, I'm scared to live; yet I'm even scared to die.‚
I'm terrified of happiness, and I really don't know why.‚
I'm scared of failure, and success;‚ both my responsibility:,
But it means you take a chance in life - and that's not safe for me!
I'm afraid to feel my feelings, just why, I'll never know.‚
You see, I gave up feeling, so very long ago.
Childhood is for memories, of good times that you've had.‚
Then how come I don't feel that...was it really all that bad? ‚
Home was filled with messages, unspoken, yet so clear;
that "sometimes you get in our way, and we wish that you weren't here!".
WHY mom and dad, please tell me.‚ What ever did I do?‚
Oh, it's ALL my fault, I know it...I know you think it too!‚
I talk, and you don't listen.‚ You act like you can't hear. ‚
Your‚ thoughts are more important; you've made that quite, quite clear.‚
Do you even love me?‚ I don't know how to tell;
because it's hard to feel the love at all, in the midst of living hell!
I'm scared, confused, and lonely, and yet I can't tell you; ‚
because you think I'm strong and brave - Oh, if you only‚ knew!‚
But no one knows my secrets, and I'll never tell a soul,
because I've taken them, and buried them,
and concealed that deep dark hole.‚
Painful, buried, feelings; the key to finding me.‚ By facing them, then letting go,
I truly could be free.‚
I know just where to find them, and I know that they're still there
- But it's hard to dig up memories...when you really JUST DON'T CARE.
( Melanie states – “My father and my mother had mental illness as well as other family members.
My father was also a violent alcoholic, and as a result of experiencing his behaviour
I developed self abusive behaviour depression and an eating disorder. “
“ self-abuse was used not only as punishment for existing,
but also as a way to override the internal pain that consumed me.” )