Two different personalities and guilt a constant struggle. Print
Written by Marne   
Your story is all to painfully familiar to me. I am the oldest of six children who suffered an agonizing childhood at the hands of our mother who is mentally ill. The "secret" we kept in order to protect our mother smothered us until finally as adults we were able to speak about our horror and be set free. My mother in all her dillusions was extremely abusive. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I have alot of guilt due to the fact that I have so much anomosity towards her and that I can't seem to "forgive" her for all that she did to me and robbed me from. I say to myself over and over...she didn't do these things on purpose, she is ill. But somehow I can't fully convince myself of that. Even when I hear beautiful stories of what a wonderful person she was before this illness took over her, I can't place the two different personalities as the same person. I never knew the person that existed before her sanity was stolen from her. I wish so much that I had had the opportunity to know her and love and and to have her know and love me. I wish I had had a mom. My mother is currently living with me and I am still struggling with caring for her and her needs. She still refuses to ackowledge that she is ill and that she needs to be on medication. Unfortunately, unless she is a danger of hurting herself or others, I can't seem to get the help that I need to force her to take care of herself. Everyday is a constant struggle.

I will pray for you and for your family and I wish you the best of luck. Please know that there is someone out there feeling your pain and also wishing that someday there will be a cure for this well kept "secret"

Best Wishes