When will I sing? Print
Written by Karin   
Dear mr. McKillop.

My name is Karin van Schooten and I live in Holland. I happen to read something about your work on www.thisisawar.com. There was a sentence that said: No matter where you are in the world, please contact mr. Paul McKillop for information, support or advice. It struck me and so here I am.
I have a mother who has borderline personality syndrom. She has been doing well over the last few years. So have I, I am 23 years old now, I got my diploma (I'm a nurse in a psychiatric hospital now), got a home and dealt with my past for the larger bit. I never thought I could get to be this happy but I did. There is a slight problem left which I do very much would like to get rid of, but I can't seem to achive that. It's about the look in my mother's eyes when she was punishing me for whatever. Her eyes used to be full of hatred, disapproval and even disgust. In daily life it's not much of a prblem anymore, but I'm a singer in a band which I absolutely love to do, but I'm too scared to go on stage. What happens is, when I stand there and everybody's watching me, I see the look of my mother's eyes in front of me again. Than I get scared to such a degree that I lose control over my voice and I sing falsely. So I haven't been on stage for a while, but I would like to get on there again, feeling comfortable and confident, because I know I can sing, I just can't sing in front of people. I'm pretty sure I can deal with this like I dealt with other issues, but on this one, I don't know where to start. I have talked to a couple of people about it, but there advices don't work on me. I have tried many different ways, but I can't change seeing that look in front of me, it keeps popping up. Have you got any idea how to get me started on this issue, so I can get rid of this once and for all?

And I'd like to ask a last question, am I one in a few that finds the look in her eyes one of the worst things I have experienced in my past. I have spoken to people with the same experiences and the far majority mentioned the physical beatings and so on as the worst, while I find that one of the least bad things that happened. I have never ever heard anybody mention what I have just mentioned.

Already thanks a lot.

Sincerely, Karin