That She Was Far More Likely To Get Me Into Trouble Than Anything Else...

Glad to find your website.I believe my mother was depressed all my life - the story is familiar to a few here. i knew all my life I could not trust her, or rely on her to protect me - that she was far more likely to get me into trouble than anything else, and didn't care what lies she told about me to achieve that. She was abusive, manipulative. She beat me, called me names, locked me out of the house, wouldn't feed me adequately and made me hate myself completely. I've suffered from lack of self esteem , anxiety, depression but most of all I'm tired. Tired of having to be the strong one - I was the workhorse ,the one who coped, who tried to fix things and who was abused for bringing the fact there was a problem out in the open. I'm the mad one, the bad one, the stupid useless one, the one who lies and steals and cheats and...oh, anything else you like to name.

But now I'm successful. My own child has been loved and supported - knows that I can be relied on. I own a house that I can't be kicked out of - it's small,not luxurious, but I own it. I have completed my education in the face of all opposition. I have a good job and my retirement won't be luxurious , but I will be OK. But I've paid a high price for this - too high. i feel too old and tired to enjoy any of this. I cry at anything or nothing. I've always had only myself to rely on and now I'm just not enough. And I know that I will have to pick myself up yet again and get on with it.

This is what living with an emotionally unstable,mentally ill parent does to you. You're old before your time, because you've never had the chance to be a child. The "innocence of childhood"? Don't make me laugh!

Yeah, I'm angry, confused, upset. It's getting less, though. I discovered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy about 12 years ago and was so angry that after being told for years that I needed to learn other ways of thinking, acting, reacting, NOBODY HAD EVER TOLD ME HOW!!! "That's something you have to find out" they told me. And yet here it was - the key I needed.

So now, I try not to dwell on the reality I lived with - I've been over it, thought it through as best I can, had counselling, now I look at what I have, not what I haven't, and in other ways get on with my life ,deal with 'now' not 'then', live with 'now' not 'then'. But when I find something like this website, all the emotions come back and I'm a mess again. Do you ever get over this?

Jane.