To be a child and never know when you came home from school, who would be their. Will it be someone so paranoid that they wont let you out to play?
I tried to spend alot of time in my room, but that left my younger brothers to fend for themselves, and they never understood the ranting and raving at the radio and TV*

I am writing from Canada. I just finished reading a story on your website by Cerian Jones. My god!!! That is my life. I never ever thought of myself as an adult child of a mentally ill mother. Isn't that funny? I know now why I never trust anyone, Why I am always trying to read another meaning into their words and body language, why I am still afraid that maybe I too will be ill one day, or maybe I already am. To be a child and never know when you came home from school, who would be their. Will it be someone so parinoid that they wont let you out to play? Will you be accused of wearing the wrong color shirt as some secret code? And by the way, what is the wrong color today? Is watching TV ok today, or are the commercials going to brainwash me? Being the only girl in the family, and the middle child, I always felt like their was no way out. I tried to spend alot of time in my room, but that left my younger brothers to fend for themselves, and they never understood the ranting and raving at the radio and TV. My older brother seems to have missed out on the worst of this, and says he doesnt remember it being that bad. Lucky him I guess. I finally left home at 16, and to this day feel never ending guilt at having to leave my younger brothers behind. The effect on them was emotional murder. I remember begging social services to put me in foster care, but my dad said no, I think he just wanted to bury the worst of it from the neighbors. I would pray for him to come home from work early, just for some peace. Once when mom took too many pills, and sat on the floor not able to get up, I actually wished her dead. What a rotten thing to think, when at that time, I was sure somehow I must be the cause of her distress. I think back now that I am nearly 50, that I wish I had recognized this years ago, as having nothing to do with me. Can you believe it? Until I actually said to myself "I am an adult child of a mentally ill mother" I didnt even realize somewhere deep inside I still felt that if I just stayed calm, maybe mom would be normal for just a little while. Thank you so much for your website. I dont have to wonder why I am different from everyone else, or at least I feel that way, I have a starting point to begin healing .I think I will write my whole story down, maybe it will be of some help to someone else one day. How many of us are there that still cant even talk about mental illness in our family?

Nikincan
Canada