Empty and Alone Print
Written by Zoe   

Dear Mr. McKillop:

I hope it is all right that I'm writing to you and that contacting you is not reserved for emergencies only. It is wonderful that organizations such as yours exist to help people in situations such as mine. I visited your website for the first time today and the stories gave me support that therapists have been unable to give. I plan to visit your site frequently.

I am an 18 year old female going into my third year of university. Only in the past two years have I begun to see that my mother has mental difficulties (however there has been no formal assessment of her mental health). This realization has left me feeling scared, alone, frightened, crazy, guilty and worthless. My grades have suffered and I've had difficulty concentrating.

When I was 11 years old my father left our family and I lived alone with my mother until I was 16. After my father left, there was not enough money to provide the basic necessities of life for my mother and I and this worsened her problems. As an only child, I was the sole receiver of my mother's psychological abuse. At 14 years I developed anorexia and lost 60 pounds, but did not seek treatment (I gained the weight back myself within a year but still face issues with food). I have cut myself various times but did not find it very pleasurable and will likely not do it again.

I have sought help from counselors at school and therapists, but in my confused and desperate state sought help from too many people - which didn't help at all. Every day I worry about money and school and do not feel capable of having relationships with other people. Currently, I am seeing a therapist but often leave sessions feeling sad and overwhelmed. It is a continual shock to think that I lived through years of emotional abuse and extreme poverty.

I seem brave to others and am trying so hard to 'fix' everything and have an adult relationship with my mother, but I feel so much pain every time I try to confront these issues. I've tried so hard to be private (with friends) and popular but have just ended up feeling empty and alone.

Nowadays, when I visit my mother at home her abuse and neurotic behaviour is worse. Within the last year, she developed xxxxxx and this has made me feel guiltier than ever. I am continually blamed for causing her xxxxxx, verbally abusing her, and needing to be 'locked up' for my eating disorder.

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on and on. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I would just like to thank you for providing the support you do. It's weird to think other people have gone through similar things, but I'm sure you've helped a great deal of them.

Thank you.