I feel angry and lost Print
Written by Administrator   

Feeling emotionally messed up
Abuse, Trust, Sisters Relationships

Well there isn‚t really a situation any more. I guess my little sister and I made it through a childhood of trauma and abuse but we are doing ok. We have a few underlying issues with relationships but we do our best to fit the profile the best we can. We no longer have our mentally ill violent manipulating mother in either of our lives anymore. We are better off for it let me tell you.

I actually released her grip from my life on my 30th birthday after she attacked me and I decided that was the turning point for me to never let another violent person into my life. My sister at the time wasn‚t talking to me but she was still talking to our mother. They seemed to have a relationship that i could never understand and i guess it sometimes made me think that i was the one with the issues and maybe i should try to get rid of the chip on my shoulder.

I just never trusted my mother. I believed that one night at my house she slept with my sisters boyfriend but i never had any proof so that theory stayed with me along with the guilt of wondering why i felt so strongly about something i never actually new was true or not. The fact that i thought my own mother could or would do something like that to my sister or her 4 grandchildren really made me wonder about myself and where these trust issues were coming from.

Just recently when my sister decided that 3 years was long enough to shut me out because of her own issues and we started to slowly try to build something we never really had before "a bond" then we found out through my sisters ex boyfriend that in fact my mum had not only slept with her boyfriend and the father of her children but had an affair that lasted 2.5 years.

Closure is kind of one word that describes it all BUT why does it all hurt so much still. I am happy that i have my sister back and my nieces and nephews I just don‚t have a lot of faith in relationships anymore. Why now after going through so much and now having everything that i want and nothing to worry about am i now ANGRY. After all these years i have been emotionally messed up but not angry but now i feel angry and lost. I guess being pregnant and that happening straight after finding out about my mother doesn‚t help.

I am interested to know more about you guys. It may be good for my sister and I to get to melbourne at some stage to join in and meet others from similar backgrounds. That may never happen but its just nice to know there are others like us. We are thinking of you all.

Yours sincerely