Crying Myself to Sleep Print
Written by Christieh   

"Embarrassment Shame Abandonment"

"Broken Face to face with the little girl inside"

I'm now 29 years old and finally realizing what that means. I use to just tell people that my mom is crazy and laugh. Turns out she's not just selfish, over protective, negligent and mean. Nope, they aren't character flaws. They are not just caused from her years of alcoholism. Or from living with my bi polar, alcoholic dad for 20 yrs. She has bipolar, manic depression, ocd, bpd and ptsd. I never really knew. How come growing up no one talked about it? How come everyone is so quite when it comes to mental illness? I'm glad there are websites like this out there. Where people like me can talk about our experiences. I wish I had help and support as a child and as a teen. I needed it so bad. I still have that scared, shameful and lonely little girl inside and it hurts to think about my childhood. I wish I had someone to help me understand why my mom ran away when I was 14 to live on the streets with a guy that she met in a mental hospital. I wish I had a lot of things growing up. Mainly...I wish I had a mom. It was so much easier when I kept her out of my life. A couple years ago I let her talk me into staying with me and my family. It was suppose to be temporary till she found a place. Like I would do for any of my friends or family. While she was here I realized a lot. That she can't function on her own. That she needs far more help then anyone has ever given her and it scared me because that meant I was trapped again. All of these childhood memories that I kept hidden inside came flooding back. Of crying myself to sleep at night, all of the embarrassment and shame, and feelings of abandonment. I was the only one who could help her but I was the one that was and still is hurt the most by her. I got her the help she needed. I pushed through like I always do as a survival tactic...and now she's better and on her road to mental health recovery......but I feel broken. I'm face to face with the hurt little girl inside me and its hard. My heart goes out to any child having to suffer through those painful years of living with mentally ill parents. I thought I overcame it all. I thought I was just like the more "normal" people now. Turns out in some ways I'm just as hurt as I was then. I'm just good at covering it up. The way I had to at school. The way my mom tried to cover up her illness. Now I know she's not just crazy.